Justified My Addiction to My Love

I remembered the first time I was connected with a computer was when I was in grade three or grade five. Back then, I was a student in Hong Kong where I belonged to a school computer club. Logo was the game we used to learn. I did not come across a computer again until grade seven. Logo was still the main program the school used in the labs. I moved to Canada in the second semester of grade seven. From that point of time until grade eight, logo was still my first programming language I become familiar with. Ever since then, I got acquainted with computer and have fallen in love with the cyber world. Many people in our pervious generation might not know how to operate a computer, yet in the twenty-first century, computer places an important part in our daily life. My computer was my first best friend, and my most addicted leisure. I had even started an argument with my parents because of my hobby. I spent close to eight hours per day with my computer and the Internet. Nowadays, the two almost go hands in hands with each other. Most people and my parents would argue my love for computer related activities was tremendously beyond an average person; therefore, they concluded my computer hobby as invalid and inappropriate. I, however, did not develop this passion without a long accumulated process. Computer and Internet has rescued me and was my best companion when I was adjusting to my environment in Canada through developing my love for writing. Through computer, I have developed the custom to write diary that helped me to release part of my distress when I was faced with the dawning announcement from my doctor that I got a disability. Lastly, as I learned that I had reading disability, my computer had enabled me to study as efficient as any other average student.

The first time computer became my best companion was when I was in grade eight in 1997. I was lonely and did not seem to fit any of the school cliques when I arrived at a foreign country, Canada, back then. Teachers assigned some classmates to play with me, but those never entered into a flourish lasting friendship with me. I had become isolated wanderer of the playground just I did as I was in Hong Kong. It was then my younger brother got his first computer ownership. At the meanwhile, I learned that there was a computer class in school. I asked my brother to teach me Windows 95, and enrolled in computer science eight. I adapted to the computer environment so naturally, as I had not yet learned to fear virus, and the cost of repair. At the beginning, I always cost my brother to restore the system again and again. Yet soon, I had begun to build my first webpage on the web using HTML. I remembered Yahoo was the first search engine I engaged. I began to type my first homework assignment in my own computer lab. Slowly, I had developed my first poetry drafts that were plugged because my brother demeaned my writing as cliché. That decision did not rest well with me. One day, as I came across someone in the forum who was upset about her life, I was immediately filled with a mission to write as a published writer to solace others' pain. Ever since then, I had accumulated my manuscripts on my computers and some online made available to others. Because I was so lost, as to what was the meaning of my life, this mission of hope was well received by me. Thus, I have developed a close relationship with my computer and my writing. This was the first incident in my life where computer had become a friend of mine.

The second time computer had played a major role in my life was when I learned about my first diagnosed disability: Schizophrenia. I was on medication, yet my mood was always flat. Moreover, I could not accept the transformation in my life caused by my disability. I was brilliance in my youth: smart with mathematics, science and programming, etc; yet all of a sudden, I had to drop out of my information technology class due to lack of concentration and poor short-term memories symptoms of my illness. Later, I was out of school for a year. I was tidy, well-mannered and hardworking. Then I became the opposite: untidy, ill-mannered, and lazy. I knew because of my illness, I would become less hygienic, energetic and motivated. I could not face my mirror, as my tummy grew larger because of my increased appetite caused by my medication. My computer reminded me I had my last resort as to post my diary online, hoping someone would understand me. I began by writing a poem about me. Yonder I had written a poem to solace others, but that day I wrote a poem for my own needs. I eventually had developed poetry lines into paragraphs while sometimes I still wrote in poetic form. At first, I kept a diary on my computer with the use of Microsoft Word, and then published it on a blog. Later, I decided to keep it all online, with some factual entries in diary notebooks available from my drawer. I then began a period of falsely wishful thinking that someone would read my writing; nonetheless, the process of admitting my own feeling in words was it in the computer, online, or in loose papers, had commenced the healing. Thus, computer was instrumental to my stress management and my helplessness about my bleak self worth. When I was in a time of needs of some common ground during my illness, computer had again rescued me from distress.

As I got my second diagnosed disability—reading learning disability—computer had once again rebuilt my confidence and self worth. I did not like reading since I was child, but it was only in 2005 that I was diagnosed with this disability. At a young age, I tried to minimize all kinds and forms of reading, such as newspaper, magazines, textbooks, fictions and nonfictions. Even I loved psychology self-help and other spiritual books, I rarely read through more than a few chapters of the books I bought. Couple with my lack of motivation from Schizophrenia and my Generalized Anxiety Disorder (which was diagnosed shortly after I got my second diagnosis) has complicated the issue. Imagine, a person with English being her second language, lives along with all these invisible disabilities. Fortunately, my study grant covered my computer reading software and a scanner that has enabled me to study like an average person: the today me. When I want to search the web, I can use the software to read to me about my e-mails, and articles, etc. When I have to read any book, I can scan each page onto my computer and has it read to me. The software can also help me to highlight the scanned text and make notes at the margin. Dictionary, syllables break down, and more are also part of the software's functions. My situations did seem grey to many, but for me I felt I was blessed. I did not get blocked down because of my illnesses; moreover, I got tremendously supports from my parents, my younger brother, and many brothers and sisters in Christ, and more. Nonetheless, if not for my computer and the Internet, I might be still the person who was shy and withdrawal, and someone that cannot read her favourite subjects and be in an English class. Much of my regain of confidence and self-worth form my second disability has to give credits to my computer.

Though my parents and many did not agree with my cyber hobby, I cannot help but stress that the passion of my love was increased with days and nights. Throughout my childhood to adulthood, computers and the Internet has helped me to adjust to new environment, recover from illnesses, and regain confidence and self-worth.